Have You Killed Your Hopping Cricket Spider Today?

Because I have killed three.

In New York there were tiny little mice, whom, although they were annoying and sometimes surprising, were very predictable in their nature. You made a loud noise, they run away. You leave some cheese on the counter, they eat it. You leave a mouse trap in your bathroom cabinet, they leave a bloodbath behind.

But o! Dear readers. The gentle little mouse, who I now look back upon fondly and with great admiration, has been replaced by the hopping cricket spider. Otherwise known as a camel cricket.

Look at this thing!




It is the earth embodiment of what Sigorney Weaver fought in all the Alien movies. They eat their own kind, they are blind, and, worst of all, they jump towards attackers instead of away.

They jump out at me when I open my sock drawer, they hide in the recesses of my shower, they live under my bed and in my empty suitcases.

Once I killed one and it lay prone for 30 minutes while I girded my loins to pick up the carcass. When I brushed my foot against it's "dead" body, 30 MINUTES LATER! It hopped away like nothing had attacked it.

Another time I got one on its back and I thought, "Ha ho! No insect every gets back on its feet once it is flipped over! But lo and behold it took one of those ridiculous long legs, stretched it out, and flipped back over ready to jump again.

And boy do they jump! Like 10 feet in the air! Right at you!

So I looked up natural predators of camel crickets- thinking to myself that unless it is a python I will fill my house to the brim with whatever creature naturally will demolish this species. And this is what I get:




Besides Camel Crickets, this bug gives me the willies the most.

As a last resort I looked to my dog for help. Surely, surely! he would eat one, or at least maim it. Those hopes were dashed as I watched one hop merrily away right in front of his face and all he did was cock an eyebrow and yawn.

Now I'm forced to leave magazines everywhere around my cabin. Like Sigorney Weaver or Sarah Palin I've gotta pack heat at all times. I gotta be prepared that its going to descend from any crack, corner, or crevice waiting to attack. At this point I would elect Sarah Palin to shoot them with machine guns from hovering aircraft. I hate them that much.

Poor little mice in New York. I'm sorry I cursed your name.

Something to Ponder on Hump Day

Why do all female celebrities who visit AIDS orphans in Africa where their hair in braided pigtails? Do they think they look more down to earth? Does ScarJo think she can hide behind her demure 'do?

Sarah Palin Sucks Part 2

I really like to imagine myself unaffiliated: in 2000 I voted for the Libertarian Party for Pete's sake! But nothing makes me more Democrat than sanctimonious morons like James Dobson.

Here is a great quote from Gloria Steinhem.

"So far, the major new McCain supporter that Palin has attracted is James Dobson of Focus on the Family. Of course, for Dobson, "women are merely waiting for their husbands to assume leadership," so he may be voting for Palin's husband."

First Husband Todd: That really strikes a chord.

Sarah Palin Sucks: My New Weekly Entry

Instead of discussing the finer points of how Sarah Palin wants to create a new world order where rape victims must give birth, homosexual partners can't even visit each other in the hospital, and Creationism needs to be given a fair shake: People magazine discusses the finer points of her eye wear.

A Do or A Don't?

You decide America! Millions of lives are depending on you.

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20223808,00.html

The Dirty Word

Abortion.

The biggest thing that scares the beejesus out of me about John McCain's pick of Sara Palin is her terrifyingly medieval stance on abortion. She is not just against abortion in cases of unwanted pregnancy. She is also anti-abortion in cases of rape and incest. The only time the pious Ms. Palin allows her fellow uterus holders to have an abortion is in the most severe of cases: where the mother's life is in danger. No matter the emotional scarring that being forced by the government to have a child that is the product of rape or even worse, rape by a family member, would inflict on a woman's life permanently.

So lets take a look at the bastion's of women's health around the world we would be joining if Roe v. Wade was overturned:

Haiti, Honduras, Mexico, Angola, Benin, Dem. Rep. of Congo, Senegal, Somalia,
Afghanistan, Egypt, Iran, Lebanon, Libya, Oman, Sudan (r), Syria, United Arab Emirates, Yemen, Sri Lanka.

And that's an abbreviated list of all-star countries- some of which would stone a woman for wearing the go-go boots Ms. Palin loves so dearly.

The worst part about this whole travesty is that Palin advocates a complete knock-out punch to poor and undereducated women. 1) Provide no accurate or valid information about sex or contraception 2) Provide no condoms 3) Allow for no abortions 4) Give them no money for the children that will surely be produced by saying they simply don't work hard enough and that they got themselves into this mess.

Ta-da! A compassionate, loving country that helps women achieve their goals only if they remain (cross your fingers and your hearts everyone!) abstinent, never mind if they grow up in a poor neighborhood with terrible school systems, absentee parents, and no access to health care.

It's just SO idiotic and harmful. I was not very invested in who won the election, even though I support Obama. McCain, in my eyes, would be bad, but we could get through a couple more years of stupidity. But when he put Palin on the ballot he made me a fighter. Or, if they win, an ex-patriot. Where I will be moving to, remains unclear, maybe a country that stands behind proper sex education and Darwin. That could be a start.

P.S. Dear dwindling readership: I know as you slog through these political posts you are thinking to yourself, "I just wish a homeless man would pee on Daisy one more time, so she wouldn't write about this shit anymore!" Never you fear, happy, fun posts full of homeless man antics are just a short moment away.