Friday, April 17, 2009

They Shoot Birds, Don't They?

So thankfully I've moved out of NYC where Mayor Bloomberg has had the gall to try to ban assault weapons (and he's a Republican!)

You at home may wonder- how will your all-American hunter shoot 96 rounds into his deer in 15 seconds? 15 seconds you say? Yes, 15 seconds, 96 rounds.

I guess the deer could have gotten away if you actually had to aim and fire one shot at a time?

("Well Gawleeee," to quote Gomer Pyle )

Anyway I've moved from the land of the gun banning liberal and into the heart of true patriotism: Gun country, Virginia.

I'm thankful for this because I'd like to purchase an assault weapon to shoot very dead the obnoxious little twitter of a happy Spring bird that has the nerve to wake me up at 5:30 in the morning. I don't care how cute he is, how happy his little sing-song twits are, how much more "pleasant" his chirps are compared to the horde of cooing pigeons outside my NYC ledge..lemme tell you buddy, it's over.

And this is how I'm going to do it:

I'm going to dress up like Snow White or Sleeping Beauty and go outside around 4 AM and start singing my own happy little tune. Once he lands on my shoulder to fix my hair ribbon or sew me a new apron I'm going to reach under the skirt and pull out my completely legal assault rifle and poof! more chirpy wake up calls.

And don't give me no lip all you bleeding heart, gun banning liberals...I've got a right to my patriotic assault weapons. I've got a right to own a gun that can kill animals for food, socialists hiding in my bushes, and oh yes this, or this, or this.

But MY assault weapon is just for this one tiny bird outside my window. Promise. And once I'm done with that I'll sell it at a garage sale, no background checks needed.

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