I haven't written in awhile because I've been stressed out over my recent non-specific diagnosis of possibly another fibroid, endometriosis, or something else (who knows! has been the ridiculous attitude of my doctor, who I'm promptly leaving after my 2nd MRI) .
I've decided that the day results come in is my day of super negativity. Nothing seems right, good, or possible. My whole life seems to have been a misplaced joke. But then the next day I wipe my eyes and get down to business (again). I probably won't know what my business is until next week or so but it looks like more surgery.
Anyway- during all the stress of waiting waiting waiting for my 1st, pointless and inconclusive MRI, I had another pain attack. Which brings me to my topic today: physical pain.
Unless you have experienced debilitating and persistant pain you simply cannot understand how it changes and morphs you as a person and how it violently reshapes life as you know it. A person experiencing pain understands this disconnect immediately. Every time I tell a doctor that I'm experiencing severe pain their first question is always,
"Have you tried Advil?"
Seriously? I hadn't thought of that (intense sarcasm) I've tried Advil, Aspirin, Tylenol, Midol, Aleve, and every conceivable combination that won't kill you. So yes, Mr. Doctor. I have tried Advil. I guarantee the only way Advil would work is if I took a whole bottle and died.
My old acupuncturist once recommended that I give in to the pain and try to let it go. Good luck was my stony stare back. And thanks to a horde of unscrupulous doctors and pain med addicted patients you have to practically beg on your knees to get something stronger than Tylenol.
I've tried and had some success with meditating through the pain but when you are trying not to vomit and lying on the floor that is a hit or miss proposition.
Since my first bout with severe pain in 2009 I can literally see how my body has responded. I'm more tense, my muscles taut, my posture (which has never been great) has gotten much worse as I literally pull into myself to protect myself from abdominal pain. I'm hunched and anxious (it's hard to know when it will start up, which makes it scary). It's hard to put my shoulders back and relax, so that's where I'm going to place all my next energies and most of my bank account. Massage, acupuncture, meditation, and maybe chiropractic to try to get my spine back in alignment.
This is of course after I have wrestled some prescription strength drugs out of a doctor somewhere.
But the other thing that pain robs you of besides physical health is happiness. It's really hard to enjoy life when you are in pain or if pain is waiting for you like a mugger around every corner. My former care-free lifestyle, I don't know if I'll ever get that back. I'm much more serious and honestly flighty than I've ever been. I have a hard time concentrating on anything but how my body is feeling at this moment and when you aren't present in the world it's hard to be happy or successful.
I'm training for a 1/2 marathon and now I don't know if I can actually complete it. Bummer.
I'm looking for a job and am scared of having a pain/vomit attack on the job. Bummer.
I love the holidays but don't know how I will be feeling. Bummer.
I love running but I'm scared of having a pain attack out of my house. Bummer.
I love clothes but nothing fits my extended stomach right now. Bummer.
Bummer of a post today. But I started this blog to chronicle my attempt to live a healthy lifestyle and if it helps me stay on task during good times it might help during the bad.