Starting Afresh

Killing me softly with this snow. Killing me softly.

Now that I have had one week of a mostly healthy household I decided to start 2015 over. I'll give it a pass. Because even though it's my birth month and has Valentine's Day in it there is no getting around the fact that February, is awful. I have a special place of disdain for January but then I always forget there is STILL February and then if you live above Tennessee there is STILL March. But thankfully I live in the Dirty Dirty where Spring springs it's loveliness in March.

So yeah, toodles winter. Don't let the flower crown I plan to make for my door hit you on the way out.

Besides being ridiculously sick I did manage to get one more section of the Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up finished: BOOKS! Which, by my account, were much harder to part with than clothes. I've been getting rid of books every time we move so my stash is much smaller than it used to be but, by my count, I have more than 100 books and I could only get rid of 30. Not too bad. I'm definitely still hanging on to my McSweeney's collection because they are "cool" not because they spark much joy these days (They have practically negative value on Ebay). And there are so many poetry books that I would give up if not for the personalized inscriptions. Kondo doesn't really address that. And she advises to not open a book so you don't get sucked in but sometimes I needed to open a book to see if it sparked joy.

Ahhh anyway. Although Marie Kondo wants you to declutter in one swoop, mine will probably take all year. Especially since JTS then goes back through my box (just like Kondo says for family not to do) and then prods me into keeping things that I'm fine getting rid of. It will be a long process.

And I'm still on Chapter 5 of Artist's Way. Lil' D has been sleeping in until 7 or 8 and I'm not missing out on that kind of sleep no matter what.

So NEW new year's resolutions:

1) Less screen time (abandoned no news whilst ill because it was just too hard - although I still am not the news junkie I was in 2014)
2) Finish Lil' D's baby book
3) Finish a quilt with my favorite quilter 
4) Finish decluttering per The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up
5) Finish Artist's Way
6) Write at least one post a week on the ole blog
7) Start thank you note project (more to come)
8) Achieve Nirvana (that's what my goals feel like sometimes)


P.S. I am slightly obsessed with decluttering right now. And this article caught my eye.

P.S.S. 2-4 inches of snow are supposed to fall tomorrow but I've got my eyes on March baby.



Photo gently borrowed from The Mirror in a story about a man freezing to death.

Tuesday, February 3rd, Day of Rest

Total Illness Count Since January:

Daisy: 2 colds, 1 strep throat, 1 ER visit for ovarian cyst
JTS: 2 colds
Lil' D: 2  colds, 2 ear infections, 1 possible pink eye

Needless to say my New Year's goals went kaput real fast. As usual, I probably aimed for too much too fast and once the current state of illness hit my house everything derailed. I am still reading Artist's Way but after trying to restart Week 4 four times, I realized things aren't necessarily going to go my way. My other goals included : writing weekly or monthly thank you notes to random people, writing on my blog more (ha!), finishing Lil' D's baby book, and finishing a quilt.

So there is that.

I started the New Year reading three books about changing your life. Artist's Way (see aforementioned stall), Loving Yourself to Great Health (stalled), and The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up (finished clothes). Yeah, probably too much to tackle all at once.

I've always been pretty lazy and/or a procrastinator with high hopes but once Lil' D hit the scene I suddenly realized how quickly mess accumulates or meals devolve into boxed food or the money evaporates if you don't stay on top of things EVERY. DAY. So I've been running myself ragged meal planning and budgeting and cleaning (whilst working and taking care of Lil' D) so that things don't get out of hand.

But they always do.

Do you spiral into a depression circle when that happens? I do. I feel like a failure. So I think all this illness is the universe forcing me to take a breath and slow down some. It's hard to rest when you have a 21 month old and you are trying to save money. SO MUCH TO DO.

Anyway. Deep breath. I was reminded the other day to be thankful no matter what but it's been a big struggle to figure out the thanks in here.

I'm pretty sure my only accomplishment for the month of January was to declutter my clothes. If you haven't read The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up I highly recommend it (and I talked about it here). I pulled out every item of clothing I own and touched it all to see if it "sparked joy" (per instruction) and then I got rid of most of everything. I had to hang on to some things that I wouldn't necessarily say spark joy just so I would have some clothes to wear! I don't know when I will rebuild my wardrobe but it's definitely going to be slow and involve a lot more heart. I even folded all my clothes "standing up" and organized my closet rising left to right. I have to say it's a lot more pleasing (and I realized I don't really like pants).

Here are some very dark pictures from my clothes decluttering journey:


Before (starting late at night):

After (One sample drawer - note the empty space where I used to own clothes):

Leaving behind the need to prove.

From wwf.org and also a calming image

I've been thinking a lot about being who you really are vs. who you either want to be or who you think you should be.

It's all kind of boiled down into: what am I trying to prove?

And then realizing the whys don't matter to me. I don't really want to prove anything to anyone anymore.

Getting rid of the need to prove has been a slow motion train that is still picking up steam. Like a lot of things in life once you have THE thought you tend to keep seeing that thought everywhere you go. I've been finding articles and movies and talks that have made me reevaluate when am I living as me and when am I proving as not me. Some of them I've listed below:

Grace Bonney of Design Sponge coming out after one of the most elaborate weddings I've ever seen. That must have taken so much courage to do a 180 on the life you've very publicly set up.

This woman discusses the struggle of being taken seriously as a working mom. I've faced the same struggle but, unlike her, I don't want to be stressed out anymore. I don't find joy in that kind of chaos. That's not for me. Wake-up call.

My mom's friend's documentary about the creative process. Patricia is so natural and so obviously living her passion. Which I'm sorry no one outside of Birmingham can watch right now but it was inspiring to watch pure trust in the creative work.

More minimalism. Getting rid of proving seems to be minimalism of the heart.

Always, always, Christiane Northrup on Hay House Radio.

After more than 30 years of trying to prove how smart, tough, cool, calm, sassy, pretty, willing, forceful, cute, spunky, strong, sexy, etc. I am - it never actually makes me so. I'm still sensitive, gullible, naive and prone to anxiety and worrying. Some days I'm spunky, some days I'm not. I may be smart in some ways but I'm not in all the ways I try to prove. I'll just say it right now: I'm never going to open Infinite Jest. I also like the music of Jewel. And Hallmark Christmas Movies.

Needless to say, no amount of proving has turned me into my idols growing up: from Punky Brewster to Liz Phair. I'm not going to be Winona Rider in Reality Bites. I'm not going to be Julie Delpy in Before Sunrise or even Liv Tyler in Empire Records (can you tell I turned 15 in the mid '90's?). I'm not French. I'm not tough. I care too much about some things and not enough about others. I'm not the manic pixie girl of my dreams nor the femme fatale.  I'm human. As Glennon at Momastery put it, "I'm the Daisiest you can be." (see post on Facebook)

It's scary to figure out who you really are after putting down the proving. I don't know what I want. I know I'll still feel the need to prove. To show (and get validation) for myself. And I feel like the only way to not need to prove is to get real real comfortable with me.

So I'm taking a cue from decluttering and asking the question, again; this time about the way I spend my time, the items I spend money on, the people I hang with, etc, "Does THIS spark joy?"

It's a lot easier to answer honestly when you have nothing to prove.
And only honesty matters.


P.S. Apparently I'm 5 years behind.