After some hard days I've decided I needed a little post to remind myself that life will go on, nothing is permanent, and good things still happen. I was feeling pretty self-pitying so I reread Stephanie Nielson's book Heaven is Here about surviving a plane crash that burned her over 80% of her body. It was good to remind myself that with determination, effort, and support a human being is a pretty amazing piece of machinery. And that I don't have it so bad. I mean the woman has had to have her eyes SEWN SHUT three times! I'll share my favorite quote (emphasis by me):
But even with all that others were willing to offer me, I realized along the way that ultimately nothing they did could make me happy. I felt comforted by family and my faith, but peace was different from happiness. At first I thought stubbornly that the only that would make me happy was for life to look like it did before the accident. But no one could give that to me, and no one else could make me happy. Happiness was my choice, and though it was hard won, I am the only person who can stand in the way of it. As I gradually accepted my responsibility to choose happiness every day, I rediscovered the beautiful life I had always wanted. I still have to remind myself to choose happiness almost every morning when I wake up in pain, and I expect I will need reminding throughout my life, but the amazing thing is the more I make the choice to see and feel joy, the more joy there is to see and to feel.
No one can make my body stop producing fibroids. No one can make them stop getting bigger. No one can stop the pain. I just need to keep reminding myself to "see and feel the joy" despite these obstacles and not just wait until the day when I'm "normal" again. Because, as much as I don't want to face it, my new normal will never be the same.
So here is what I'm grateful for right now:
1) My 1 really awesome good day last week.
I start to feel really worthless when I'm really feeling crappy. I can't clean the house, I can't get up to get food for myself, I can't do a lot of things. But last week I had one blessedly amazing day where I got so many things crossed off my to clean and organize list. I'm not usually a clean person but the nesting instinct has hit hard. This is one pregnancy symptom that I hope sticks around.
2) My puppy and my husband
They are best friends. I'm so happy that my dog loves my husband so much and vice versa because they are my two most favorite "people" in the world. I haven't had much energy or effort to play with my dog and my husband has really replaced me as main animal caretaker. It makes me happy that they have each other.
3) Valentine's Day
I usually eschew Valentine's Day because I'm one of those curmudgeons who believes it's a silly holiday that forces one half of the couple to buy overpriced flowers and plunk down tons of money on a not very good prix fixe dinner. And woe be to the man that doesn't step up in this regards. See? Silly. But JTS is a bit of a romantic and I'm a bit of a disappointment in that department. Sights were set pretty low this year anyway so I decided to come out of my shell. I snuck around and made a little garland of hearts and strung it in the kitchen for a morning surprise. I received Shakespeare's Sonnets to add to my favorite Penguin collections and we ate tacos for dinner. All in all I think it was my favorite Valentine's Day ever.
4) A light at the end of the tunnel.
Yesterday's dr's appointment FINALLY FINALLY started to pick a date for the scheduled c-section. It's either going to happen at 37 weeks or 38 weeks. I know, I know, it's early and I should be ashamed that I'm not doing the best for my baby. But with all the complications I have, the team of dr's think this is the best course of action for everyone's health and I'm not going to complain. I'm actually jumping for joy. Taking 2-3 weeks off my torture sentence seems joyful to me. Now my goal is to get her to stay in there until the scheduled c-section. I've been bribing her with sweet tea. She LOVES sweet tea.
5) Yes, I did call it a torture sentence.
Being in pain almost every day and throwing up almost every is torture to me. But the farther along I get the more joy I have been getting out of feeling her move around. I'm still not up to par weight wise and sometimes I can see and feel a little elbow or foot or hand pushing out. It's not as dramatic as that photoshopped photo cycling around but I know that tiny little bump I see is something I will get to hold on to very soon and that makes me happy.