I've been a real grump lately.
Do any of you imagine January 1 as being transformative? Like, not just I'll try to break a bad habit life changing - but - I will wake up on Jan 1 with a fresh slate, no past, and everything around me will suddenly be perfect?
Because that's how I think. And let me tell you, Ryan Seacrest, the NYE fairy, did not grant me all my wishes when the ball dropped. I woke up on January 1, 2014 in the most beautiful house I've ever had the pleasure of staying in with family and food and warmth and I realized with a grimmace: yup, still just me here.
I'm usually a fairly positive person (yes, yes, despite the worrying and the anxiety). I believe things will change for the better. Maybe it's my sudden drop in Vitamin D after living in Miami for two years but I just can't get out of my funk.
I'm full of grumpy, ugly feelings. I'm jealous (I want to own a house too!), resentful (I want to leave the house and have fun too!), and seriously full of deep bastions of regret. I've never really regretted too much so this is the one that has me thrown through a loop. It's an endless loop where I revisit my 20's with loathing and disdain instead of looking back on them fondly as fun and ridiculous (like I usually do) - why o! why didn't I save more money? why o! why didn't I concentrate more on a career? why o! why did I look at office jobs like they were riddled with scabies? why o! why did I need to spend an absurd amount of money on clothes and alcohol while taking in loads of student debt and working retail?
Now, when working is harder to do (Lil' D) and life is more expensive (Lil' D) going to get another degree everytime I hit a road block in life seems totally absurd. Who was advising me on these decisions!? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
I just want to blame and cry and hit.
I know the past is past and all we can do is work on our future. Blah. If you can accomplish this I will just add you to my jealousy list!
So there. This is me in the beginning of 2014. Not a transcendent,
organized being who had written all their thank you notes. Nope.
Just.
Me.
Same 'ole me.
2 comments:
sounds like 2014 smacked you across the face. sorry to hear that.
being trapped at home allows those kinds of thoughts to fester (for me). mine isn't so much regret so much as frustration toward my husband for having it easier than me from day to day. (because i'm convinced stay at home motherhood is more taxing than his job, day to day. and he agrees.) so i sort of get stuck in illogical frustration that- say- he can pee whenever he wants, and i cannot. he can go out to eat with friends today, and i cannot. etc etc.
anyway. it's hard. get that vitamin d and get good sleep. lack of both of those make everything feel worse for me.
I totally agree with the frustration. Even if he is working - I totally feel the same way. I get jealous that he can go eat lunch whenever he feels like it or have more than an hour and half to do a task.
I'm working on the sleep. Had to give up most caffeine during the day.
Not sure about this trade off right now.
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