Saturday, November 22, 2014

Leaving behind the need to prove.

From and also a calming image
I've been thinking a lot about being who you really are vs. who you either want to be or who you think you should be.

It's all kind of boiled down into: what am I trying to prove?

And then realizing the whys don't matter to me. I don't really want to prove anything to anyone anymore.

Getting rid of the need to prove has been a slow motion train that is still picking up steam. Like a lot of things in life once you have THE thought you tend to keep seeing that thought everywhere you go. I've been finding articles and movies and talks that have made me reevaluate when am I living as me and when am I proving as not me. Some of them I've listed below:

Grace Bonney of Design Sponge coming out after one of the most elaborate weddings I've ever seen. That must have taken so much courage to do a 180 on the life you've very publicly set up.

This woman discusses the struggle of being taken seriously as a working mom. I've faced the same struggle but, unlike her, I don't want to be stressed out anymore. I don't find joy in that kind of chaos. That's not for me. Wake-up call.

My mom's friend's documentary about the creative process. Patricia is so natural and so obviously living her passion. Which I'm sorry no one outside of Birmingham can watch right now but it was inspiring to watch pure trust in the creative work.

More minimalism. Getting rid of proving seems to be minimalism of the heart.

Always, always, Christiane Northrup on Hay House Radio.

After more than 30 years of trying to prove how smart, tough, cool, calm, sassy, pretty, willing, forceful, cute, spunky, strong, sexy, etc. I am - it never actually makes me so. I'm still sensitive, gullible, naive and prone to anxiety and worrying. Some days I'm spunky, some days I'm not. I may be smart in some ways but I'm not in all the ways I try to prove. I'll just say it right now: I'm never going to open Infinite Jest. I also like the music of Jewel. And Hallmark Christmas Movies.

Needless to say, no amount of proving has turned me into my idols growing up: from Punky Brewster to Liz Phair. I'm not going to be Winona Rider in Reality Bites. I'm not going to be Julie Delpy in Before Sunrise or even Liv Tyler in Empire Records (can you tell I turned 15 in the mid '90's?). I'm not French. I'm not tough. I care too much about some things and not enough about others. I'm not the manic pixie girl of my dreams nor the femme fatale.  I'm human. As Glennon at Momastery put it, "I'm the Daisiest you can be." (see post on Facebook)

It's scary to figure out who you really are after putting down the proving. I don't know what I want. I know I'll still feel the need to prove. To show (and get validation) for myself. And I feel like the only way to not need to prove is to get real real comfortable with me.

So I'm taking a cue from decluttering and asking the question, again; this time about the way I spend my time, the items I spend money on, the people I hang with, etc, "Does THIS spark joy?"

It's a lot easier to answer honestly when you have nothing to prove.
And only honesty matters.

P.S. Apparently I'm 5 years behind.

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