Monday, November 19, 2007
Daisy goes to the Oracle: A Play
Having pulled herself through yet another particularly rough weekend and while STILL suffering from minor brain fuzziness, your faithful author decided to finally seek out wisdom from the modern day oracle of our time: Google. Daisy: Dear Google. I come bearing gifts. Gifts of Excedrin, Goody's, Alka-Seltzer, one hair of the dog beer, and a cold compress for you as I type out this singular, yet profound question: Can you die from a hangover?" The Oracle responds: Daisy, although you are in the desert, an island of misery, stranded on your bed or floor with nothing to amuse you but reading book titles from across the room, needing water like a camel that has just come out of cryogenic freezing, head pounding, stomach churning -YOU WILL NOT DIE FROM A HANGOVER. Daisy: Why not, dearest Google, my daily companion? Google: Because you must suffer for your sins, Daisy. You must lay in bed praying for death as you relive moments of dancing on the bar in a cat mask while demanding more whiskey. Daisy: But the memories are bad enough, constant Google. What can I do to stave off the evil forces of hangover? Google: There is nothing to be done dumb, stupid, whiskey drinkin' Daisy. Not one god damn thing. Read through all the data that I have here that says, "nothing can be done." Now, go back to bed and suffer more. Daisy: Screw you Google! You will no longer be my oracle of choice! There are others out there. And although they are not as good and have terrible user interfaces they will provide more answers! I swear! I promise! And I'm taking back my Goody's. Daisy then huffs off to the mountain only to come down three weeks later, exhausted and wild eyed, with these (very long) commandments inscribed into bar napkins that she then posts on the front door of La Bonbonniere diner, which from this day forth, will be known as: The Oracle of Daisy, Drunk Drawler, Professional Amateur Drinker. Daisy reads them aloud: Beforehand: 1. Eat lots of meat. Eat big, raw, red steaks until your heart may burst out of your chest cavity. 2. Drink lots of water with dinner. Screw the seal- just pee your way through the evening. Once Commenced: 1. Stick to one beverage. Do not mix. Whatever way you arrange the words- liquor before beer you are equally as not in the clear as its "couldn't be sicker variation". Beer does not go with whiskey or wine or peach schnapps. And nothing EVER goes with champagne. 2. The more sugar in the drink the sicker you will feel. Forget the umbrellas and man up and order that liquor straight. And again never drink more than one sipful of Champagne- and only if you are forced to. 3. Finally, and I can't repeat myself enough: YOU WILL REGRET CHAMPAGNE IN THE MORNING. Possibly along with that strange bedfellow you brought home that has now farted up your covers and is about to turn and look at you with a face that you thought was attractive last night but now horrifies you to your core. (Daisy, of course, has never done this). 4. Be at a fun party. My brother and I discussed and agreed: The more boring/horrible the party the more you will drink to make it fun. Avoid. Back at Home: 1. Have a water buddy. This is your best bet. You and your water buddy force each other to drink at least three glasses of water. Not too much, mind you, we don't want you dying like a little raver kid, but you will probably pass out before that can happen. Take some Advil or Aspirin with your water. You won't regret it. If you don't have a water buddy-this is tricky. Try to stay awake and force those three glasses on yourself. Peruse celebrity gossip on the internet, stalk an old enemy online, whatever it takes to get those glasses down. Just remember- don't text anyone, don't call anyone, and go to bed immediately and best case scenario (unless you have a significant other) alone. Good morning! 1. If you have the usual garden variety hangover ingest immediately upon daybreak a Goody's Headache Powder. Now my little Yankees, its pretty hard to find Goody's up in these parts- but it is definitely worth your while to try. A poor man's Goody's is an Excedrin Migraine or a combination of Advil and Caffeine. But nothing stops the pain like a Goody's. Trucker's Southeast-wide swear by it and so do I. 2. Drink Gatorade or VItamin Water. Lots of it. It's best if you put this by your bed before collapsing. 3. If your hangover is more on the nausea variety- do not take Goody's. Take an Alka-Seltzer and then sip a soothing Coca-Cola. 4. Eat more meat. Bacon preferably served to you with reassuring comments, pats on the head, and a neck-rub by someone attractive and in their underoos. 5. Poop as much as decorum allows. If this means "taking a shower" to poo, by all means- go ahead. If it means "running to grab some coffee" because Starbucks, bless them, has open bathrooms- do no hesitate. Finally: Once you are mobile go to a cold, dark theater and watch a really bad horror movie while eating Nachos, gummy bears, and the biggest Coke your budget will afford you. Now Daisy, standing at the front door of La Bonbonniere in bathrobe, Cabbage Patch slippers, dirty hair flowing wildly around her shoulders, cries out, "Follow these rules my child and all will be well. All will be well. She then turns around stubs her toe on the door and curses herself for not following her own sage advice time and time again. Marco, the favoured waiter, gives her a shy smile and goes, "Coke? White toast?" Yes and yes. * Of course, you should check with your doctor before following any Oracle's advice. Your system might be more vulnerable than Google's.