The Psychology of Overspending

O.k.

So I'm not a psychologist. But allow me, dear reader, to pretend you are my psychologist and that I'm writing this from a prone position on a chaise lounge while I bite my fingernails and tell you how it's going.

I've been on a budget for 2 months and let me tell you something you might already know. Money is a lot more emotional than I previously thought.

I would give myself a solid B- so far in the budgeting department. I've been very good and diligent about creating my budget before the month starts and changing it, morphing it, and moving things around as I need to.

But I've fudged. Since JTS and I have some separate accounts and since some of my income is freelance I have a small amount of $$ on my own to fudge with even though I'm not supposed to. And I've learned my greatest weaknesses are Kindle books, Lil'D clothes, and eating out.

There are three main challenges I have when it comes to staying on budget:

1) Instant gratification
2) SALES! SALES! SALES!
3) Laziness and hunger

#1 and #2 go hand in hand. If you didn't grow up budgeting or thinking about saving money - when you make the switch to budgeting - mentally you are there but emotionally it's a struggle And for me emotions trump. Not getting what I want when I want it (i.e. RIGHT NOW) makes me feel poor. There is no better way to say it. It's ugly but it's true. I can get really depressed about it if I ponder too long on the wants. I want: new clothes, Christmas decor, a fall wreath, new books, new sheets, a rug for my office, some fashionable curtains, and to eat only organic food that was blessed by angels. Feeling poor and feeling sorry for yourself when you have a roof over your head, a nice kitchen with food, and your child has a play room all their own is absurd and probably more than just a little offensive. This I know.

But. It is how I feel. Even if I know rationally my former life was not really ever real  (almost always sponsored by Visa) it's a mindset I've known for so many years and I have no idea how to get rid of. I've started practicing gratitude about what I have and focusing on my goals but feeling the feelings about money is the single biggest impediment to my success as far as I can see. I miss what spendthrift me looked like. I miss my new and expensive clothes. I miss my dinners out with red wine. So I can only hope that once you make it through some time with this budgeting thing you get better at handling the wants.

Do you have unroll me? As far as I'm concerned they
have just rolled all the temptation into one big email.

And in the same vein, if you didn't grow up with budgets and saving - when you see SALE! 40% OFF! emotionally you pounce! You start doing mental gymnastics about how you HAVE TO buy something RIGHT NOW because you know - SALE! I succumbed to the sale e-mail last week. 50% off! Flew out to the store, bought a bunch of stuff I could use but probably didn't need for Lil'D. Fast forward to this week and I was greeted with a new e-mail: 60% OFF! The same stuff, now only cheaper. Lesson learned. (Maybe).

The last one (eating out) is probably the easiest one to fix because it just involves more planning ahead. I'm not terribly good at planning ahead but at least it's unemotional.

And now I'm off to listen to the savings lesson from my pal Dave again to buck my spirits up.

Final thoughts on the Dave Ramsey FPU. Classes 8 and 9

After going through one month with a budget and now working on my second month I have a LOT of thoughts about trying to rope in your spendthrift ways but I'll wait on that and discuss instead the last two lessons of FPU: #8 Buying Houses and #9 Giving.

I have to say that I was so glad Dave finished with a whole lesson devoted to giving because the class before that on buying houses really depressed me.

There was nothing new to the house buying lesson. Just a recommendation to put at least 10% down and have a 15 year mortgage. But that was when it hit home for me just how daunting it would be to get out from under student loans, save 3-6 months of living expenses, and save for a house payment. The lessons before are kind of pump you up style: YOU CAN SAVE! YOU CAN SELL! YOU CAN DO THIS! GAZELLE LIKE INTENSITY and even though this lesson actually had a motivational speaker in it - when you think about saving up 10% on a home - AFTER all the other steps - I kind of wanted to put my head in the sand. All I could think of was: man I wish I had learned this stuff in high school. I'm not 25. I'm almost 35 and my house standards have drastically changed since my younger days. I have zero desire or energy to save up for a fixer upper. I've been perfectly content and somewhat spoiled renting houses that I would totally buy. So if I'm going to buy a house, I want to buy a house that I've been dreaming of. I don't want to do all these steps for a downgrade. That makes my 10% look pretty large. So yeah. Just another reminder to teach Lil' D all these lessons early so she isn't just figuring out how much a house costs at 35.

After being totally bummed out I was so glad for the lesson on giving. Dave comes from the tradition of tithing, which if you aren't from a tithing church community, means that 10% of your income goes to the church. I did not grow up in a tithing family and I would probably never give that much money to any church but I did grow up with a mom who gave a lot through volunteering and financial donations and I've enjoyed following her lead. As a child I did the kid's version of volunteering i.e. picking out an Angel on the Angel Tree, donating toys and books, or helping with a canned food drive. And as I got older I volunteered more and gave more donations to groups I was enamored of (See previous post on my wolf adoption. I paid for that myself.) Over the years I've donated to whatever tickles my bleeding, liberal heart at the moment. And I'm happy with that. But what would make me even happier would be to have enough money to REALLY make a difference. Because while I can create logos for non-profits all day, they probably would do well to have some money too. Envisioning a future where I can donate big or have long periods of time to volunteer put me back on the positivity train.

So that's a wrap folks! Hope you enjoyed or were at least not too annoyed with my Dave Ramsey recap.

Because there will be much more to come about working with a budget.

FPU Class #6 - Think about the things you don't want to think about.

I've been thinking a lot about growing old gracefully recently. Well, really as gracefully as possible because, just like childbirth, you can make a plan but life probably won't follow it.

I could chalk this elder obsession up to being in my almost mid-30's and pondering life's course, etc. but, truth be told, I've been a worrier and a hypochondriac for as long as I remember. I mull this stuff over pretty much all the time. Should I live to a ripe old age I will surely regret the amount of time I spent worrying about dying. Unless, of course, I have cognitive impairment then it might not have been a waste of time but I won't know the difference anyway.

I've been taking notes about growing older over the years and I've made myself a few pointers to remember. Or maybe a few pointers to write down on a card that can be tucked into my dog hair covered sweater to be read every time I forget its in the pocket.

First, and most importantly: I know what I'm going to wear.

Think crisp button down, popped collar, white/grey hair in a ponytail, big round glasses, maybe some bangs. (In reality I'll probably be too lazy to iron a shirt and will wear oversize sweaters and jeggings but I've got 35-40 years to nail this). Think Diane Keaton.

Minus the tie and jacket.

Or this lady.

I will, most likely, never bother with hairdos.

Or my favorite lady on a cruise who wore her monogrammed slippers to dinner because, "Dammit I'm 84 and my feet hurt."

1. So fashionable clothes that are cool, age-appropriate, and comfortable: check.

The ladies in my family tend to live a long time (one side does at least) so I've gotten to see first hand what it's like to grow older. I've come to the conclusion that it's silly to beat about the bush about getting older. As is wishing the human condition will change. Old people remind everyone of the inevitable. Therefore, the olds make the youngs uncomfortable. But I believe there are ways to keep your invitations to the under 85 parties coming. For example, I've noticed that no matter how old you are the under 85's don't want to be interrupted in the middle of a sentence. I've noticed they also don't like to be told they are being interrupted because, "I don't care. I'm 94. I'll talk when I want" (I totally just made this story up. Pure fiction. Totally.)  I used to want to be a bawdy, who-gives-a shit-80 year old but now I think I'd rather people invite me to the under 85 parties. So.

#2. Speak when spoken to or when there is a genuine lull in conversation. If you can't hear said lull, maybe buy a hearing aid. Kind words trump all. Remember manners still matter no matter how much seniority you pull.

I've also noticed that a certain 94-year-old in my life is more fun to be around when she isn't discussing a) wanting to die or when she will die or how she will die or b) various maladies.

So #3) No one wants to hear about your never-ending illnesses. (I should probably take that hint now).

In the midst of all this elder thought I watched Elaine Stritch's documentary Just Shoot Me. It's a can't-stop-watching film. Elaine follows Rule #1 with an incredible outfit of just black tights and a white shirt. She is ready to break into song and dance at any moment. She pretty much never follows #2 but because she is famous people put up with this. She can be downright nasty. But I don't think this is new to her dotage. I think this was her personality. I will most likely not be famous so Rule #2 still applies to me.

Elaine's main problem at 87 is diabetes. Heartbreaking scenes of delusion, fear, and panic are all due to diabetes. She is courageous and soldiers on for so long but it's as vivid a portrait as I've seen outside of the nursing home: getting old ain't for sissies. So there is #4 in my series: Stay as freaking healthy as possible.

And #5: Guard against loneliness. No one wants to be the one calling and nagging their family about visiting. In the land of the young and healthy it's a total bore. The problem with getting older is that everyone is always dying so you have to constantly reinvent your social circle while staving off the depressing fact that all your friends are always dying. My grandmother, in general, is a great example of this. She reads her Kindle at the largest print, she has many social groups with younger people, and she socializes at her nursing home. Unless she is already in a pity spiral (see #3) she only calls to check-in. And pity spirals seem to only happen after she has hit the Dubonnet at a nursing home party. I noticed this with Elaine too - drinking made aging way worse. So Rule #4b: Even though being buzzed through the winter of your life sounds super fun (and was my original aging plan), it might not help you stay alive or happy.

This is a long and winding road to say that FPU Class 6 is about INSURANCE. Mainly about all the insurance you need if you or your spouse were to get sick and or die. It stinks to think about but it did put a fire in my belly to get life insurance so Lil' D is taken care of should I not get to try out my rules of aging in real life. Also, Long Term Care insurance once you hit 60 is vital according to Dave. JTS says this is controversial but I've seen first hand how expensive nursing homes are and also how essential they are to maintaining the ever important social network.

Bottom line: Growing older requires some proper planning. You can't know whether you are going to still be sound in mind or body and for how long but you can do the best you can to get ready for what may come.

If the year is 2070 and you need a friend, I'll be the one with small dogs, large glasses, reading mystery novels to my heart's content or hopefully I'll get my first choice in aging: sleuthing in rural Maine.

Hello Hello

Hi again from my long absence!

I was traveling to Virginia:

Doing lots of work:

Pediatrician office floors are known
for their cleanliness

And cancelleing a trip to Miami whilst in the boarding line (thanks United Healthcare for not approving my MRI!)

So...there has been some stress and lots going on. But now that things have calmed down I'm back to continue my report on Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University.

Without further ado:

I FINISHED!

And got this handy certificate which I'm actually crazy proud of in a "I'm totally not going to be embarrassed about this" way.

Did I mention I make a living as a graphic designer?

I only missed one class about investing and paying for college which I still need to go back and review.

All in all - I think this class was well worth the $92 I paid. If, like me, you received no training about personal finance this class was easy, fun, and taught a lot. Even though I'm not religious it was easy for me to let the Bible verses go and just take the lessons for what they are. Tonight's my first night without class and man, I miss it. (I also miss the delicious pineapple upside down cake that I enjoyed last week when I went to Weds. church super).

I'll write more about lessons #8-9 soon but the post immediately following this one is about Lesson #6 -  Planning for Retirement. I wrote this post right after class but never got a chance to go back and edit it.

Enjoy.

And if you are interested in FPU just sign up! I feel with utmost sincerity it changed my life for the better. Once you take a class you can take any number of future classes for free so I'll probably do a refresher course next fall as well.

On Getting Back on Facebook and FPU Class #5

These are some random thoughts for sure and if I had the time and the brain space I know I could come up with a creative way to discuss both but I have neither so (to use my least favorite phrase in the pantheon of the English language) - it is what it is.

First up! I've gotten back on Facebook. It was a slow reintegration. I feel so-so about this decision. Especially after spending an inordinate amount of effort to create another empty profile from which to run my business from and taking a break from my Target Cartwheel of Champions ( $105 in savings to date! You got to SPEND more to SAVE more, duh! -Maybe that's my tie in?).

All that gave me the heebie jeebies about Facebook is still there. The ridiculous article titles, the stream of opinions that make you dislike people you once liked, the flood of my own opinions that I can't stop myself from posting. I still left Facebook off of my phone and with a little finagling with Anti-Social - I'm more or less contained. I've found if you don't check FB often your feed contains absolutely nothing you are interested in. Instagram is still my social media drug of choice. I'm not sure why I got back on but it definitely has to do with running my FB business page and getting bored without enough websites to click.

So! Now that I'm reattached to the umbilical cord of the world lets move on to FPU Class #5 shall we?

This lesson, Buyer Beware, was a little all over the place. We learned about being aware of being marketed to. We learned about not buying things 90 days same as cash (which I've never done, because, seriously, I have credit cards for that). And we finished off with learning about the power of paying in cash and negotiating. Like I said, all over the place. But I would say this class had as big of an impact on me as the Savings class.

In small group discussion we were asked to talk about our feelings about being marketed to and what turns us into "the red faced kid having a grocery store tantrum." The usual suspects were all there - ALL the men mentioned electronics (thankfully, JTS does not share in the love of the large television). There were only two women in the class (me and a very religious mom I've already isolated by describing myself as agnostic). But the other woman and I discussed our desire for Stitch Fix and our problem with baby items and convenience foods.

Afterwards I realized that I really (as silly as this sounds on paper) define how good I am at being a mom with the "quality" i.e. price of what I purchase. I had a fit to get the $70 bottle warmer because it was THE BEST one when I ended up never needing to warm a bottle once. I felt neglectful because my baby didn't have THE BEST baby swing ($200+ more than the one I bought). And I still get a sad feeling in my heart because I bailed on Honest Company diapers after 6 months and I haven't bought my child a pair of these adorable shoes to date (and HELLO she is almost 1.5 years old). Will I look back and feel a sea of regret that my child wasn't wearing $60 moccasins? Sometimes I seriously believe so. And this is obviously an issue.

The baby shoes of my dreams. 

Another thing I realized from this discussion is that I use money to make myself feel better. Like how (and why) I was drinking too much, buying a new something can give you a quick burst of confidence when you are feeling lackluster in the esteem department. I know that people who enjoy saving money get a thrill from finding a great brand name at a super cheap price. I'm trying to get that thrill. I get the thrill from buying the brand name item at it's highest price ever at Nordstrom. Makes me feel good about myself. And this is obviously an issue. 

These were really important thoughts for me to think. Up until I know I hadn't really connected the dots to purchasing to make myself FEEL like a good mom or a confident woman. Up until know I hadn't even connected the dots to see myself as an emotional shopper. That's the power of marketing and I'm on the line!

FPU Night 3, on cash flow planning and envelopes

The author in France with a tiny blue French
backpack that she just HAD to have right now.

When I was 15 I took a week-long school trip to France. My mom gave me an envelope with enough money for food and some shopping for the whole week. Notice I said whole. I spent ALL my money in the first 2 days on clothes and expensive food.

Seriously.

All of it.

For the rest of the week teachers and other kids had to bail me out because I had no other money to buy food. Yes, food. The staff of life. I didn't get in trouble for this. The plane landed and my mom met us, gave me a hug, and paid everyone back.

Where I should have been totally ashamed to be borrowing money left and right for un Coca or le hamburger, I remember very little shame at all. I think I even borrowed more to shop more.

Needless to say, not indulging my every shopping desire is still hard for me. And in this week's FPU class Dave explains how, just like my trip to France, when you don't want to overspend in a category like food or clothes you put your cash in an envelope and don't spend more than that. And just like in France I've already overspent and it hasn't even been a week.

But wait! I have an excuse!

I was participating in les grande consignment sale pour les enfants at a local church. I consigned and signed up for 2 volunteer shifts just so I could get first dibs. I put an allotted amount into the clothes envelope for this moment and then promptly went over it with my check book. I found that once you are in an overheated room with hoards of other ladies grabbing and going a stained dress from an expensive brand starts looking a lot more attractive than it probably would if you saw it in someone else's closet.

Unlike France, though, guilt ensued. Part of me clings to my excuse, "It was an out of the ordinary event! I HAD to spend." But I know there is always an out of the ordinary event. You may not be in France or at a huge sale of smocked dresses but something will come up and if I want to successfully do all the FPU steps I have to learn how to say no.

But this month is just practice. October is when we get serious.

Besides the envelopes this class had a lot of information about cash flow planning. Lots of forms and information on how to fill out those forms. And information about having a budget meeting to discuss all spending with your accountability partner (aka your spouse if you are married).

If anything at all comes from this class it will definitely be learning to communicate more (and better!) with my partner. No secret spending. Everything on the table.

So even after I overspent my clothes envelope I fessed up about it.

For October I'm dreaming of an envelope out of Harry Potter that has the power to bite.

FPU Night 2 - Relationships and Money

Your intrepid reporter, Ms. Drawler, has returned from night #2 of FPU.

I wasn't supposed to be going to this class. I was supposed to be in Virginia enjoying family, friends, and mountain views but alas Lil' D is sick and we had to cancel.

While I'm not happy Lil' D is sick I was glad to attend an important night. This class wasn't so much about the HOWS of saving money or getting out of debt faster or how to best plan for retirement. It was more about getting on the same page with your partner to achieve serious maximum life results.

It seems so simple (duh! of course you talk to your spouse about money!) but I've found that taking the time to have a real conversation about something in a marriage is more difficult than when you were dating. When you are just boyfriend/girlfriend or even engaged everything is such a light and dreamy discussion. Of course we want to TRAVEL! Have a nice HOUSE! 3 KIDS! 2 CARS! 7 DOGS and a PIG (ok, that might just be me)!

Smiley faces all around.

I remember driving around Crozet, Virginia with JTS, the autumnal breeze blowing through the windows, beautiful yellow leaves fluttering to the ground, holding hands and throwing out dreams like thought bubbles. We were smiling in our sweaters. We were practically out of a catalog or a Sofia Coppola movie with some amazing light filters.

Oh Virginny, I miss you.

Five years later I realize that to bring those thought bubbles down to earth our conversation has to be more down to earth too. Around a table. With a thought-out plan and a budget. Not as romantic (and we certainly don't look romantic this week with a sick baby and bags under our eyes) but exciting to me in that we are actually taking concrete steps to make our airy, romantic dreams come true.

I can't wait for next week when we get to the nitty gritty of budget planning. As Dave pointed out this week the number #1 reason for divorce is disagreement around money and a well-discussed budget takes away ALL of the arguments when everyone agrees and sticks to the plan.

We also discussed how men and women think differently about money (generalizations, sure, but whatever). Money represents self-esteem to men and security to women. I would agree with that on my end. And I had never thought about it that way. Looking at money as security really puts your purchases into perspective. Will this stuff make me feel secure? Or will cash in the bank make me feel secure? Good to remember when I want to dress Lil' D up as a baby fashionista.

As for religion:
I kept my mouth shut when the group discussed tithing. Because my giving is currently less than 10% of my income. And it goes to the local NPR station.

P.S.
Speaking of fashionistas, you should check out KarlaReed on Instagram. Seriously inspirational thrift and vintage store outfits. I've let that side of my personality, how shall we say, slide a bit since those lovely fall days 5 years ago and she makes me want to kick it back up a notch.

First night of FPU class

Maybe it's because I'm trying to change so much at one time, but I've been feeling like I'm a human emotion roller coaster recently. One moment I'm UP UP UP and everything is full of hope and promise and then the next morning, this morning actually, I hear about salmonella in commercially processed chickens and I'm crying in my car.

Because I'm sad the world we live in treats chickens/our freaking FOOD supply this way.
Because I don't like being vegan and I don't want to eat pasta all the damn time.
Because I'm doing Dave Ramsey and I don't want to pay for non-diseased local chickens until I'm out of debt.

So last night was my first Dave Ramsey class. I was way more nervous than I thought I'd be. The church where the class is being held is gigantic. It has campuses. My high school graduation was there (ummm 16 years ago) and even then it was a huge church (video screen, a baptismal font you can literally swim in, etc.). And now it is even bigger. Coming from my little Episcopal mini gothic cathedral I grew up in - it's a lot. I got lost trying to find the class several times. Near the elevator. Down a hall. Past the coffee shop. Past the coffee shop in a church.

Anyway. All day long JTS had been prepping me to not be brainwashed. To not buy more books. So I was a little paranoid and scared. And when one of the first questions was to ask everyone where they went to church I got scareder.

And to be honest it was a lot more religious than I thought it would be. The more Bible verses spouted the more I realized that I will never ever get JTS to go with me.

That being said it was a good start. The teacher has been doing this for seven years. He seems shy and not disposed to speaking in front of groups which is good and bad. There are three couples, two individuals whose other would not come, and mostly single men. (Good for those guys!) This week was all about saving. Oh the shame cycle I could end up in if I think about all the saving I haven't been doing. (Let me go back to the car for a minute to cry.)

BUT! At the end of this month, we will have completed Baby Step #1. Save $1,000. It was so much easier to do than I originally thought once I paid attention to where I was spending my money.

Before class began we had to write down what our biggest challenge was going to be doing FPU. Mine was, of course, PATIENCE. I want my problem solved and I want it solved now.

This week's homework is to answer the following questions:

1) How much debt do you have (everything but mortgage included)?
2) How much liquid cash do you have?
3) How many credit cards do you have open?

I may be spending the rest of the day in the car after I answer these questions.

So I finally pulled the trigger and signed up for......

Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University class.

{insert your opinion here}

JTS is not terribly thrilled that I've done this - but even though he won't go to the class he said he will help me with the steps at home.

I've mentioned before that I missed out on some money management lessons growing up. I never really had an allowance. Stuff never equaled work. Money came and went, rolled and flowed around depending on the parent's 1) flush times vs. broke times or 2) emotions.

It was confusing.

Over the years I've squandered a lot of fiscal opportunities to save, to invest, and to earn. And last week, as I was pretending that having a lot of freelance work meant that I obviously had a lot of money to spend on clothes, something clicked. I realized I don't actually HAVE that money. That all my money is always already spoken for before it hits the ole bank account. Credit card debt, student loan, car payments, etc. etc. etc. all have my money. I'm tired of being jealous of everyone's vacations or homes or what-have-you and then not having a clue how the bank account is at 0 every month. I'm tired of treading water.

So I got this handy little packet in the mail:

Seriously, so much stuff.

What I like about Dave Ramsey is what other people may find annoying. He has these little sayings that he repeats all the time like, "Live like no one else so later you can live like no one else." Or paying down debt with "gazelle like intensity." But no matter how ridiculous it all looks I do find myself repeating them to talk myself off the spending ledge. I don't want to be paying off my GD poetry MFA when I'm 50. And speaking of GD, yeah, Dave Ramsey has a slight religious bent. But oh well. I don't see any non-religious classes like these out there so I'm fine with it. And Proverbs is named proverbs for a reason (or vice-versa?)

I'm patting myself on the back right now.  I'm already 25% of the way to achieving Step 1. It's going to be a couple of years of hard labor under the best circumstances before I get myself out of my debt hole and on to some solid savings grounds but first stop is DISNEYWORLD. For me and Lil' D.

And in a similar vein, I really enjoyed this post from Momastery. I've been thinking the same thing for a few days after hearing about the horrible conditions the Yazidis in Iraq are facing. We are simply SO lucky to be able to worry about the things we worry about.